Letters To My Love

Why am I like this?

This week has been really hard. I’m emotional, my body hurts, I’m tired, and I have a fucking UTI. Work was so stressful this week I found myself shutting down as soon as I signed off. I wish I could say that things are amazing, but they’re not. I don’t know why I have this urge or need to reach out to you. Maybe it’s because I’m pretty sure you dont want to talk to me or you just can’t. I don’t know. You never told me. I don’t know if I’m just too much, not enough? All I know is that you’re the one that shows up in my dreams. You’re the one I want to crack open my chest for. So I do it with others, and that sooths the ache most days but not all the time. Not when I just want the buzz of the outside world to stop, I just want calm peace and the ability to silence the inner chaos that is boiling over. I wish I felt that with anyone else. I want to feel that feeling of home and comfort, but it’s just not happening. I wish I felt that with myself. I fear getting into that space with myself because I always take a hard right into hyperindependance. B and I were talking about how we prefer to be interacted with when it comes to offering help and assistance, and we both realized that its not that we don’t want the help but it’s the lack of trust that we can depend on someone to show up for us So we become MacGyverettes. I prefer you to ask how I would like to be supported. And to show me how to support myself, because people that I care for always seem to leave. They are a soulmate of mine, not a mirror like what I feel with you but more of a carbon copy. They’re wonderful they’re helping me heal, and I can not be more thankful for having them in my life, but it’s just not the same. I find myself having imaginary conversations with you, and when those get so loud in my head, I just need to find a way to release it. I doubt you’ll ever actually read this, and if you do and it triggers you, im sorry. I wish we could have the conversations that help us break down the fear. Debunk the stories that we create in our heads. Discuss ways to better communicate… I get angry at you for giving up… i want to scream that it’s not fair that I barely got a chance. You gave so much of yourself to others and i just feel discarded, and then I get angry at myself for not being more truthful and open about how I felt sooner or for being stronger when you were standing on my doorstep. I’ve always thought that you were worth it, but I need to be worth it to you, too. All relationships, well ones with good communication, have these alignment conversations. I had one with B just the other day when I felt them pulling away. Which was hard because it started while we were out, and I really felt abandoned and rejected. At the club was not the place to sort anything out, so I just switched into hyper independence mode. I felt like I was being a burden or being a cock block… I know how ridiculous that sounds when I say that because legit we have never had anyone say oh both of you? Nah, I’ll just take one. I let myself wallow in this space of uncertainty for a bit the next day, but I was actually really proud of myself for asking them what was going on. Fully acknowledging the story that I made up in my head and that I was fully aware that it could just be a story. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. There was a disconnect, but I was 1000% wrong around the why. It turns out they didn’t want me to feel obligated to include them in anything I wanted to participate in. We were able to come to an agreement that I want them to feel comfortable expressing when they want to be a part of things, but also that I will communicate if that is not what I want for the evening and vice versa. It went from awkward back to snuggles and kisses. Everything has been great since.

Long story short is that i miss you, and I want to share these things with you regardless of whether you feel safe to share the same things with me. I hope one day you will. There is something about pretending that you’ll read these one day that calms the storm inside. My tears dry a little, and I can catch my breath again. I hope to dream of you because then I can fall into your arms those mornings always make it harder to pull myself from the bed but everytime it’s like a little glimmer of the missing piece that just falls into place when I’m with you. You reflect back to me the things that I need to heal in myself. You make me a better person. I like to think that maybe I do the same for you and if I don’t please don’t tell me the truth. I don’t think I would survive it. I love you, I miss you, and hopefully, I’ll see you in my dreams. Goodnight, my love. I wish you nothing but the best.