Letters To My Love

I’ve been on this journey for the past 3-4 years. IVF isn’t a walk in the park. It requires planning and correct timing and a whole hell of a lot of patience. For someone who struggles in these areas, it took a lot more out of me than i was ever expecting. I very vividly remember yelling at my pharmacy when they told me that they wouldn’t be able to send me the right medication by the time I needed it. I was getting passed around from person to person, and then there was the getting the insurance cleared up. I finally made them patch in my doctors office because I was the middleman in this situation where my doctor said that something was sent and the pharmacy claimed they hadn’t received it. When ypure working a full time job and trying to sort out things that you actually don’t have any control over but there’s a timeline hanging over your head with quite an expensive price tag things tend to escalate faster than usual. I was sitting there on the phone just sobbing uncontrollably with no way to fix anything. Luckily, I was able to get what I needed, but not after it had taken a toll on my body and my emotions.

That was the first egg harvest that we did. I did another right after. My hormones were all over the place, but I persevered. I moved forward with my first transfer, and everything looked great. Up until week 6. I had breakthrough bleeding more appointments to monitor things. There was a heartbeat one day, and the next, it was gone. This was my first DNC. 😔

What they don’t tell you when you start this journey is that its not something quick. It takes time and a whole lot of drugs that make you feel like you’re going crazy. If you have a miscarriage it’s not like you can just get back on the horse. You need to wait until your cycle normalizes again. This can take anywhere from 2-4 months before you start things all over again.

We gave it another go with the same results.

After this, we decided to just let things rest for a bit. Not to force things and let nature take its course. Then I missed my period! I called my doctor so excited and they even offered to see me early! My OB won’t see me until I’m 13 weeks, so I jumped at the chance to see this little bug.

They ran my bloodwork, and we waited. They wanted me to come in for an ultrasound because my HCG was a lot higher than expected at 4 weeks. It was more aligned to 7 weeks. When we got in there to take a look, they were having trouble finding the baby. We finally found it in my fallopian tube, and its little heartbeat was so strong… I lost it. I was given a choice to have them take the tube surgically or to have a chemically induced DNC. I opted for the drugs. We werent even 10 min away from the office when my OB called and told me that i needed surgery immediately as i was in danger of a rupture.

We scheduled the surgery for the next day. I was in the hospital practically all day. When i got home and let my partner at the tie know the response i got was, “You’re home? Great! I’ve got to get back to work. TTYL”. It’s one thing to get your hopes up and have them come crashing down, but when the person you’re expecting to comfort you acts like you just got diagnosed with a common cold… I was falling apart and alone.

We gave it one more go with similar results to the first 2 tries. I was breaking down in tears whenever anyone asked how I was in passing. I wasn’t taking care of myself. Then, my company changed our policy around bereavement leave to include miscarriages. We get 20 working days. So I took them all.

I laid in bed for about a week. I said no to plans or even ideas to make plans. I took daily bike rides. I bought planters for the backyard and planted things. I spent time with the dog. I pulled away from my partner. I decided that I only needed one focus, me. I only did what I wanted when I wanted to. This was probably the most healing time that I have ever had where I actually prioritized me.

It was around this time that my partner decided to tell me he was done. After all the pressure that he had put on me for this, he was just done. Oddly enough, I rolled through the breakup quite quickly.

So here I am, single again, and now my heart needs a break. The next few months we’re a bit of an emotional roller-coaster and when I finally was ready to try again I get a call from my doctor saying that there are a couple growths that are pushing into my uterus.  I remember thinking great now that I’m dying. Luckily, it wasn’t that melodramatic.  🙂

We scheduled the surgery after a bit of a chess match between my doctors office and the doctor who was going to do the surgery… they wanted me to wait 3 months… thankfully, I only had to wait 4 weeks. That was 2 months ago and were finally ready for another go!

Today, I administered my trigger, and we have a transfer scheduled for noon on Sunday. This one will be the first girl. Fingers crossed everything goes well.