Letters To My Love

Welcome to some more ADHD ramblings… I don’t have the spoons to make this any more cohesive than it is. Read on at your own expense.

I was in my head today. Im glad you wanted to go to that class. I was feeling self-conscious and bloated. This always comes up when im on my period. Im tired bloated, and I just dont feel well or like myself. I love that when I told you what was bumping around in my head, you were game to help me redirect. It was exactly what I needed, a bit of exercise, getting back into my body, healthy snacks, and interactions with the community. I love that you’re enjoying it, too. I came prepared for the after-party just in case my mood shifted. I’m glad it did.

The way his entire face lit up from across the room brought a smile to my face. I know exactly what you’re thinking, and I know that it’s exactly what I need tonight. 

I’ve spent a long time degrading and being unkind to my body and how it’s changed. I was absent for 9 years because of the shame I felt around my body, including masturbation. I forgot the joy and pleasure that it can give regardless of shape and size. I was also constantly searching for something that it’s quite clear I’ll never have again. I started to settle, but that didn’t really turn out well. I walked away with the being that I always coveted only to realize it’s only metal and stone. It doesn’t give me value. It didn’t make me happy. I didn’t define me. I think I’ve finally come to terms with this, and I accept it. I’ve moved on. All of this really swirls around self-worth for me, which brings us back to the above, I’ve recently decided that I’m worthy of receiving pleasure, period. Are these situations as fulfilling as I would like them to be? No. But they do serve a purpose today. They remind me that I’m a human with a wonderful human body that is capable of receiving pleasure from others. I’m exploring, trying new things, finding out what I like, and what I don’t. I waited much too long for the person I wanted to walk by my side. I deserve to live my life and enjoy it without shame.

So tonight, I’ll fall into arms that I know will catch me for the night. I’m not falling, just leaning into the comfort of being unattached. I am leaning into the safety that I feel with you. Leaning into the want and excitement he brings. I like that look. The reaction he had to us walking in. The direct way that he asks for what he wants. The gratitude he shows when he gets it. There’s no guesswork. He makes it easy, and he sure scratches the itch. Being chosen quiets that voice in the back of my head. I know I need to work on finding that from within, but I still want to be chosen. Where someone else sees the worth that I know I have and thinks it’s worth it to walk beside me. For now, this will do. It’s healing a part of me and helping me to rewrite the limiting beliefs that I hold.