Letters To My Love

I have a fear that when I am vulnerable and when I ask for help, people view me as weak, attention seeking, needy, and broken. If you can see this, then it means that I trust you more than my fear.

This is probably going to sound like a poor me post, so feel free to ignore or read on if you do want to know me better.

I keep circling around polarities lately. They seem to come up in almost every conversation I’ve had of late. Most of the time, this is usually my spirit team guiding me towards something I need to pay attention to. Yes, I’m that kind of woo woo, deal with it or fuck right off. You’re not the one feeling chills in 90° weather, hearing songs in the back of your head that give you deeper insight to something or someone, that sudden scream in your head that says, “Do this, not that.” or “STOP!”, and someone almost runs you right over… I’m learning that my intuition is a gift I need to develop, mostly so I don’t feel like I’m completely losing my mind. If this was 20 years ago, I’d be admitting myself and would have myself evaluated for schizophrenia, again, because, yep, that’s a thing we needed to worry about. I never understood why my grandma did or said such weird things sometimes… she was never diagnosed until I was in my teens. Luckily I passed that motherfucker with flying colors… but I digress. So polarities, when people think about polarities they always talk about masculine vs feminine…which is definitely a lense that you can view them through along with leadership and relationships but I want to poke the behaviors themselves and how they shape how we show up in the world.

I have a love-hate relationship with posts about women being independent and bold and having the courage to be themselves… I want to scream, WTF. I always refrain because it’s not a bad message it’s just an incomplete one from my perspective. I’ve also been ruminating on this a lot lately because my next embryo, which won’t need legal paperwork, is a little girl. I want her to grow up with the support and knowledge that I didn’t have growing up. Everytime I always land on balance. How can we find balance? How do we teach balance? What does that look like in practice? Independence is a polarity of reliance. As a human, I sit firmly in the camp that we need a balance of the two. It’s not one or the other it’s the discernment or when to activate one over the other given certain circumstances.

One of my favorite speakers once said, “There are times that we need to fucking lead. To put our attention out and be courageous and there are times that we need to receive. Times where we need to be babied and loved and held in a structure.” I’ve never felt more validated in my life when I heard that. Being a single woman I walk this line of being so hyper independent that I literally forget how to recieve or i get so caucht up in my feelings that I don’t trust myself without external validation. It a swinging pendulum and when that hyper Independence is activated fuck it’s hard to allow someone to do for us without feeling incompetent or less than. It’s hard to allow for such a deep level of trust in someone because you never know when they might let you go sailing off the cliff without a spot. You do learn how to pick yourself up dust yourself off and heal from the broken bones and internal injuries of jumping off a 50 ft cliff and landing on the canyon floor.. now that sounds super healthy… Where am I going with all this? Essentially you can’t teach one without the other and that is usually useless unless it’s built on a foundation of discernment, self worth, self love, acceptance, compassion, a positive inward focus, growth mindset and balance. A tool/gift can be becomes a hindrance if overused or used incorrectly. Independence can easily become hyper Independence and lead to isolation, inability to communicate, inability to trust, stress, and burnout.

I’m not saying that I have all the answers or even that I’m right… I mean, I literally had to have someone Dom me into allowing them to take care of me after having surgery… yes, you could say I struggle to receive… but I’m also elated in a space where I have the trust and opportunity to submit or, better yet, have the dynamic to switch back and forth. Can I clearly define my boundaries, and will they be respected? Do I know if my boundaries are breached that I can and should leave the situation? If I can’t do so safely, what can I rely on for help? What happens when the shit hits the fan?

I was talking this through with my therapist a couple of weeks ago, and we started to dig under this “problem.” I fear the disappointment and the letdown around holding the hope that I’ll find someone to hold this space for me… part of me feels like it’s a fantasy. If I hold the hope, it allows for the dream that someday I’ll be able to let my guard down, release, submit, be held, be cared for, be playful, and carefree. This is the space where I glow, where I find myself and recognize all the amazing parts of myself, I feel my energy swell, and my confidence overflows. The hyperindependant side says, “Why can’t you just do that for yourself?”, I can, and I do. It’s just nice when I don’t have to all the time. I know that I am a person who is meant to be in connection. We all are people who are meant to be in connection, even the people who hate people. 😏

I don’t really know if I have a point to make here or if I’ve really just rambled on incoherently for the past 6 paragraphs of verbal diarrhea. I think my word for the year is balance… I mean I got the fucking thing permanently inked on my body to remind myself when I lose track. When I get burnt out and tired. When I need to seek out that sub space when it all feels too much to hold alone, when it feel like if I continue to try I’ll implode, or when I wonder if it’s still worth trying at all. Would it be so terrible to sink back onto the dark? Would anyone even notice?