Letters To My Love

I’ve been going back and forth around if I wanted to share this or not. I’m finding that keeping things in or keeping them hidden just doesn’t work for me. Expressing myself regardless if anyone reads it ot not gives me a sense of release.

Tomorrow I’m going in for surgery to remove some fibroids that have gotten larger and may impact my ability to stay pregnant. It’s a pretty straightforward procedure and everything sould be just fine but I’m nervous.

I’ve been trying to get pregnant for the past 4 years… it just seems like it never seems to go right. Multiple miscarriages, one lost fallopian tube, crazy hormones, shots, the highs of hope and the lows of grief. One cycle out of 24 harvested eggs we didn’t get even get a single viable embryo from. No one tells you just how hard this journey is. Some even hide it in shame. It’s hard not to feel shame when it doesn’t work out. You feel like you’ve done something wrong or didn’t do something well enough. I’ve never known a comparable pain that follows after losing a child. Everytime I told people I was pregnant I had them tell me “wow you’re letting people know really early” or “be careful you don’t want to let people know too soon”. Then there’s the whole don’t tell anyone before the end of the first trimester…

Part of that is that its really hard to keep a secret when its something youre super excited about and it’s just you. Two, when youre doing IVF you know you’re pregnant on day 1. Three, why not? Babies are tiny little miracles to be celebrated. Why do we hide things like this? The worst part is that if you dont share it at all, who’s there to help you grieve the loss?

Last year was one of the hardest years that I’ve had. I was showing up to calls and would breakdown in tears whenever someone would ask me how I was. I’m not good at platitudes. I ended up taking a month of bereavement and it was probably the best decision I’ve made. I took time to grieve, to sleep late, to plant flowers, walk with the dog and ride my bike. I cried a lot, but I started to get back in touch with who I was underneath this fog of sadness.

Tomorrow I know I’m going to have a bit of PTSD along with the anxiety of having surgery in general. I could use a bit of extra encouragement if you can spare some. Tonight I’ll sit by the fire and accept the kindness of new friends.